I never dream’t to be a princess. Way back in my childhood days, i already love to have an adventure in life. I always look forward to know something to that day. No, im not genius or whatsoever, let’s just say im a curious girl.

Since, im just the only girl and i have 2 brothers, others taught that im a lesbian or boyish. Well, i adore their toys, i really do. I enjoyed playing “text” , “goma”, “cars” while im still a little kid. I can’t say that it is just my brothers influence but it is really my eyes desire to play even though they are insisting me to play with my dolls.

Until the time that I’ve reach my legality, something has changed a bit. I’ve asked myself, ‘how to be a princess?” If you just knew how happy I am this day. :”> Tears and words are not enough to express how happy I am. Mark it, May 27 2010 is the day. This isn’t not just the day when I officially say, “HEY! I am already at my legal age” but also the day when I felt how really blessed I am. How people really say, ‘It isn’t just our action, but what important is you’re inside of our heart. ‘

Sorry if I’m not born like you, sorry if I’m not born as rich as you are, sorry if I prioritize my studies rather than processing some stuffs. If only you know why i have to.

I just felt unfair about the situation, and I can’t see the point why are still mad. If it’s about you feeling ashamed of why i refused, sorry i just have to do it. Though I know that one day, it will just pass maybe for now, i’ll just pray for it.

Yes, this is not normal anymore. This is not what i expect. This is not what i planned of. I hate myself for missing you. how come I still feel the same for you?

I didn’t expect to see your face again, i knew it, i shouldn’t open that album. College of Communication is nothing if you’re not in there. Honestly, sometimes i still expect to see you there. :l I always hope to be “inspired.” Well, im still inspired, but it’s different when it comes to you. Yes, im starting to get lazy at school because I i know that tomorrow, you’re still not there. Music Uplate Live is killing me, “Di Lang Ikaw by Juris” and “PAMPANGA,” Yes, Lord, I’ll start to forget.

What the HECK! why didn’t i let myself be used of not seeing you? HELLO! Last School year is the same as this year, BUT the difference is, i’ll completely not see you.

I PROMISE that one day, i’ll completely forget you. I’ll just laugh when i see your face. When this day comes, I’ll just hope to have a friendship to you. Back from the start, back from from the first time i saw you and didn’t hear you singing. :l

I didn’t imagine myself to be like this to you. I didn’t imagine that you’ll be the one who can make me write again here. :l

Family that prays together stays together
“ayoko Na.”, “don’t worry it will be the last.”, ”i know they’ll realized it someday.” These are some of the words that i want to say to my mother. Honestly, I want but I’m becoming selfish again, I suppose. as usual, I’m jealous once more. When will i realized that this is part of my life, that money is really my big struggle. For instance, a while ago, i read my mother’s message and i feel, I’ve becoming harsh again because of my needs in school. Fine! I know it’s too many already, but what I can do if it is the way my routine goes. It will be the last. I won’t ask for anything anymore. But why cant i? Why can’t i ask for something that i need to get? Why am i the one feeling this that all i’m doing is follow what my parent’s what me to be? Why? “lagi na langba ganito? Ako na lang paraya? Tas pag ako humingi sobra sobra daw? Bakit?” i hate mentioning this but I’m really jea;ous about it. my first brother that transferred school because of grade problem and later one, the last sem he should finish to graduate he didn’t finished and decided to drop it off. Saying that he’ll just find a job first before finishing his college. Honestly, my father got a point when he What a lame excuse, right? My second brother that transferred 3 different schools and continuing his vices which urged him fail once more because i don’t see him studying here even glancing on something i think 3 courses in first year college but luckily he’s going to school but said those things for my brother. If only he knew how big his tuition fee was compared to mine? Hell yeah, it is a way way way difference. And i am, chose to be in public school in college for i believed that i can lessen the finances of my family, but why can’t i get what i want? Does it mean that when i give up on something, i should give up on everything? yes, i know they’re still financing my YFC expenses but every time i asked for something, the feeling of being guilty or even words hearing that im too much. Why? I really can’t understand why. Everything I’m saying here is all about what i feel not defende=ing the sacrifices i made. For sometimes, i asked why not me always them. Oh no! Jealousy, can you be out of my mind? Please?

I thought this issue will be dead the time that my mother comes back, but it worsens. Such a big fool of me!

Pepe: Man of Strategy
it is the FIRST REQUIRED BOOK I FINISHED. As you can remember, in high school, every time we have a book review it’s either i will asked someone to tell me the story, i will watched it or even worse, i will start reading it but will not finish and will search for reviews. But in this day, i did finish it, in just 3 whole days and a half. Achievement it was for me! i finished the required book. Indeed, i made it, reading more than a hundred pages in just one day. I’m really amazed! Promise, i am. Please, just be happy for me. Honestly, i learned a LOT in this book though i find it boring still i can’t deny that this book is a must read, but never the sensual parts!!! I am amazed with his honesty and strategy in life. This is your battlefield, learn how to play with it cause if you don’t you’ll give up easily.

Words on the clock
I can’t deny the fact that i’m easily got irritated when promise are broken. Even that’s the way it ended, i can’t pass it to other. The good thing was i finished the required book. Indeed, i made it, reading more than a hundred pages in just one day. I’m really amazed! Promise, i am. I didn’t expect that i can because knowing my attitude in reading, hello? The wait is nothing when you know where you really belong. My class ended early, as what I wish. I thought my friends will be early, so after the “monito monita themed something naughty” i immediately walked towards Pureza to ride a bus going to galleria. I is a hassle for me if i stay for a bit longer there because of the rush hour (you know what i meant, right?) but that the issue here. I is passed nine that one of my friend came problematically. Blahblah.

It is really a reward for me this week that after reading the whole book I will have the chance to be with the people who i look up to or simply the ones who can really understand me. If a while ago, I’m thinking that no one can understand me, well, I’m just worried. Though, they don’t know everything on my mind and heart at least the fact that we understand each other once the topic is being opened. I know sometimes our thoughts are clashed still the feeling is different, feeling of being secured.

I will never forget what the full-time told me. One of my brother, his name is really compatible to him already. Got the catch?  Waiting for him to tell me that information. I mean, you know, i want it straight from him too.

It’s already past ten when we already had the chance to ate our dinner, far from what is talked about. Well, as usual, but i don’t care, I’m even bothered because I’m busy and my time is not wasted. We are supposed to eat at McDonald’s across Meralco, Ortigas branch but unluckily there’s no parking and the Drive-thru is too many and the fact that we are REALLY REALLY HUNGRY we went to Metrowalk. Honestly it is my first time to go there, i always hear that place but I’m not aware where it is. We ate at Pancake house; indeed, it is my first time there too. I want to eat at Teriyaki Boy but there is no store there and even there was, we couldn’t because one of us doesn’t want there. It is my first time to treat them. As if it is not me, thinking that i don’t care if i wasted my money but it’s worth it. Honestly, it is. We had a lot of talking. The usual topic, LOVE! Revealed a lot of things. Oh, ho ho. Though i want to stay longer, i want to have a lot sharing but we need to go because the store needs to close.

Isn’t that stupid? Waiting for the love you thought is yours but in the end meant for another. Until now, honestly, i still can’t move on with the question “HOW DID IT HAPPENED? WHY IN JUST A BLINK, EVERYTHING IS CHANGED WITH THE WAY IT USED TO GO?”

I don’t want to blame anybody, not you, not her, not even myself because it isn’t necessary to do so.
You: the reason why i felt being loved and lucky, the reason why it is been crashed like the rock that impossible to break.
Her: why her? The way that he flirt you. Is this a reason? Everybody have the freedom to flirt someone but if YOU’RE LOYAL, YOU SHOULD NOT FLIRT SOMEONE WHEN YOU ALREADY HAVE SOMEONE.
Myself: the reason why this blog is made.

I don’t want this drama to last. I don’t want to take this one longer. Back when i was a little child, I’m trained to LET GO of the pass immediately, right? So, why all this drama is still in me? Is this what they are calling, “HARD IN MOVING ON?”

I’m thanking God for what happened. I thank Him for not letting me fell so hard, hard as they thought. I thank Him because everything that happened is just a drawing now and everything is settled before He’s special day. I thank Him for letting my vacation fall into what it should to be.

Admit it, starting when you were little, trying to discover a lot of things and trying to build your own personality, thoughts are coming in you. When you are crying, you want them to feed you or to change your diaper. Even sometimes that you are crying, you want them to play a lullaby for you to fell asleep or to give you a toy to play with. These little observations are related to your dream because this just mean that you are aiming their love, you are dreaming that others love will be given for you even just a piece.

Little by little those dreams are becoming bigger as like you are growing up. In the end, one dream that will continuously rotate in your mind. A place in which you want to go to every time you want peace and you feel that all the stress in the world is passed on you. A place in which you want to stay forever.

Way back in my childhood days, I’m like other kid that aims for my parent’s love. Grew up days made me realized that it is not enough. I aim for more; not being a martyr as what others will say but it is the feeling that you’re comfortable when you see the output. A subdivision for less fortunate, as like Gawad Kalinga is doing, and a hill to where my body will rest forever. Still I’m afraid for limitations.

It is not the same as others dream. It is indeed different from others. Spending your own money for others? Building a shelter for others sake in which you’re not sure in their personality? That is like the weirdest thing that one mind could think of, isn’t? Call me weird and whatever you want to think but that is really what i dreamt of. I agree to Pope Benedict XVI’s sermon for Christmas last December 26, 2009. The reason that there is violence in our world is because of our selfishness. Sick of the word “unity and peace” but still if people in the world just knew

Last November 14, 2009 me and my auntie went to Laguna. Our first agenda was to have a new haircut (hello hair! :l) but unexpctedly, our hairstylist isn’t there yet.:l
We don’t have choice cause we still need to be at laguna early.

While I’m bored, reminiscing is my only key to kill boredom. “gusto ko na maniwala na dulo nga kami at parang walang sibilisasyon na pagkatapos pa ng 2weeks dumadating ang dyaryo at ang balita ng telebisyon.” grabe din! Im missing Sta.Cruz and Pagsanjan days with my IKV friends.:(
I miss my camera; i miss haggardness in typing the script on the spot and typing the lost and found. In short, I miss being a playback. I never thought I’ll cross the arc again where we had a shoot and the Jollibee in front of palayan that doesn’t have a face already.

Oh! Memories. Too dramatic? Emo-ish? Let’s see.

I really want to be with kids. Hey! They are my stress reliever. Thank you Lord for this reward. I went there meeting my pamangkins again and with my other agenda. How fast time flies and they were grown up but still too kulit.

Hey! This blog is not over yet. Sadly, seeing the damages Ondoy made in our place keeps my heart beats faster. “OO! mataas pa din ang tubig sa Laguna Lake at may tubig pa din sa ilang palayan na dinaanan namin. :l” in short, my mind wonders until when will the students be waiting to go back in school. “pero, ang sarap isipin na sa probinsya na lang manatili.. Parang ayaw ko ng bumalik sa sibilisasyon dahil wala namang patutunguhan. Para bang wala kang problema pag andun ka lalo na’t kasama mo ang mga bata.” Sounds freaky but this are one of the shout out of my heart for now. (hello massage can you hear me?)

I thought im already okay. I thought im already recovered but my im feeling all this pain all-over again. I want to cry, cry harder. Starting from physical, family, friends, career, no one do loves me. No one care what im feeling. What do fair differ from unfair? Why is it always like this?

Heck. I’ve already talked to a lot of people about this but until now i can’t get the real answer is. Maybe my friend is right, in every situation you asked, don’t wait for the answer you’re expecting because you’re already insulting him or her.

hohoho. maybe i need to relax. but how can i relax if when im trying to my mind is still thinking of stuffs. i don’t want to ruin others life anymore. I’ve already hurt a lot of people because of this. I don’t want to be judged that I’ve already changed when i really dont.
oh, please? give me a sign what to do or where to start.
i want to be okay.
i aim for PEACE of MIND! judged that as a showbiz words but heck, that’s what i really what.

–my first review. i dont think its a review, it formed to be a opinion either a editorial.next time ill try to elaborate more the details.:)

its everything on my mind right now, here’s more.

just a sweet thought, im growing up. honestly, growing up never a hinder for me to move on or is it maybe im living on my world that averagely im the youngest? anyway, thats not the issue. its so lonely going home late and being alone. walking on your street alone and no one to talk to but its a sweet thing to hear children playing and hearing there conversation “basta gagawa tayo ng friendster natin a?promise yun”, i forgot that’s the group of the gals. the group of the guys saying “gagawa pala ng friendster, pangit ng friendster nyo”. just so nice hearing such conversation like that again, to think in your early age you are also doing that.oh, crushes and childy stuffs, i cant deny, im a teenager, need to act the way life is preparing me.

beginning on the sweet part of my mind, let’s hear from my sour experience. have you ever experienced being denied? as in, being denied even being invisible on other people’s eyes? the fact that you are becoming visible whenever they need you. sorry for this implication but its really sounds weird that people categorize you as genie or whatsoever similar words. i maybe rude or something but i just car stand it now, im hurt and im always hurt. im even numb nowadays. i cat puzzled out how people care for me now. i maybe stressed but i dont know to whom i should lean on. why is it there’s an equal life for me? why cant i seek for someone when i badly need one! i know to whom i can lean on but sorry if it will hurt him but i also need someone visible, someone you can hug on or someone who will reply on you in vocal way. oh, comeon. why?

have you ever experienced being so hopeless? being so insecure? too insecure for who you are. i know im not be thinking about this. the mere fact that im special, the fact that im loved by him. but why is it insecurity kills me, everyday basis you’ll hear “pangit” its ouch, for me its not about the looks its what inside. oh, well in my generation its not important. the important thing is what they see. and thankyou, im not gifted with it. the worse part, im not gifted with anything. “sablay sa lahat”
that’s how i categorize my life, past present anf future i suppose. i know, i should work out in this, but sorry to sa this im already tired fixing my life. im tired working alone. you know that you are always there for them, you thought its enough but it isnt.

never better!
A British idiom that incredibly different from what you are expecting.:)
i heard this from my friend, she fool me at first. actually, i fool mself.haha.any, i have this feeling right now. ive already had a rest for some days, evaluating it, its awesome. sleeping more than eight hours is my simple joy. after being stressed from school loads plus the issues you’ll not expect to hear ive recovered. im alot stronger, actually im ready to step up and move forward. im always having a date with him again. im really overwhelmed of what’s happening on me right now. honestly, i cant figure out how to say it, one thing is for sure im ready to STEP FORWARD.

lately, the word “FORWARD” means alot for me. started on my campaigning period, i thought it will stop after that but it doesnt. i dont know, not just the fact that im always hearing or seeing it but the fact that it gives a big impact for me. for my life right now, i suppose. i love the way it message me. i need to forward, maybe im stucked from my past life. im stuck, that i forgot there’s a new day that will shine. it may sound as dramatic, but tell you, in time you’ll learn and LOVE stepping forward to see the other part of your life. never stuck up yourself, you are just making a wrong choice. you are just hurting yourself. see the picture, read between the lines.

clean you heart. believe. stand up. STEP UP. MOVE FORWARD.